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Yesterday I got some of the most beautiful photos I have ever seen of myself, of my passions.
last night the house adjacent to mine burnt to the ground.
tonight i dyed my hair purple to fill my brain with more time to process..
last night I was watching trinkets, a show on Netflix about these three women from different circles becoming friends in the most random of ways. Shows that showcase the awkward reality of humanity really hit home for me because I have never been one who fit in, I was and have always been awkward in the calmest of descriptions. I have come to be so grateful for it, it's actually a part of my life that tends to contrast my reality in the oddest of ways and also attract the most spectacular humans you could ever imagine, really. A scene had just showcased of one of the main characters who had dated this man who was unkind to her. I mean way more than unkind, he had obviously abused her, physically of course, because it doesn't make sense to the audience watching the show if you don't show it in that way. There are so many forms of abuse that nobody talks about or can recreate in a way that television would understand. Anyways, the guy and her had finally walked away from one another, taken space. He then started dating a girl who she used to be super close with. This was all odd for me because it hit home so hard, I have been experiencing something so similar, unspoken of really within my life, yet more real than ever. This girl in the show decided to approach the woman now dating her ex and let her know that she was there and she understood how he could get, you know, when no one else is around. and the new girlfriend lashed out at her. "back tf off, he would never do anything to me, you're the one who is f crazy." and she walked away angrily. The scene was ending and something inside of me was irked, to say the least. I was intimately uncomfortable and got up out of my bed, looked to my left and the entire window was filled with this orange red glow. I'd seen small fires before from a distance. I knew what they looked like, felt like, I grew up in Utah for godsake, camping was my livelihood. This one wasn't like that. The trees less than 500 ft away from me were glowing on the opposite side of them. For a slight second I stared at them, wondered if it was possible it was someone burning something, anything on purpose. It was too big. Within seconds the size of the fire doubled, The trees must've caught fire, and suddenly the valley was glowing with the wild red mother. I fell deep into fight or flight in those moments. I remember the thoughts in my brain racing, "we have to leave,"
"this is growing too rapidly"
"pack your things"
"what do you really need"
my body took over.
I live in this small valley, off grid, very voluptuous in greenery. It was unlikely this could happen, made no sense. It was wet, actually one of the wettest places on earth, literally. And yet there was a fire right next to me 10x my being at least and burning so bright that others could see the valley glowing form 15 miles away, at least. I spoke to the police, three times but the repeated "hello, can you hear me" kept echoing through my speaker phone. My off-grid system had subtle service. I was pacing back and forth, "can you hear me, hello, there's a huge fire next to me, XXX, XXX" eventually a respondent said "yes, ambulances have been dispatched." Thank you, thank you, thank you repeated in my head. out loud, both I guess. I threw my passport in a bag, my laptop, the pair of pants on my bed. Grabbed my blanket and stuffed animal, ran and tossed them into my car, to the neighbors, screaming, wake up, there's a fire, we should probably leave. I shook them out of bed, there's a huge fire, I said. over and over and over again.
a couple hours later I was back in my house, as were my neighbors. 3x ambulances up the road until 5 am, the fire was out by three ish.. my friend isaac talked me through it as I was in a full blown panic. I kept reliving it, over and again. The red., The glow. The panic. The safety. :Luck. Gratitude. Reality. i'm still processing. The ambulances left around 5, I fell asleep and dreamt of being friends with my favorite real life anime character. For the first time in weeks I had a dream that wouldn't be categorized as a nightmare. I don't really experience as much fear anymore, i've been through so much, but last night, last night I felt immense loss and that shook through me. I felt my entire reality crumble within seconds, the thoughts of all of this not existing from one moment to the next., I spent the rest of the evening touching all the protective plants around my home whispering thank you's and expressing every inch of energetic gratitude I could. Last night I prayed and opened my space to each and every spirit of the land the say thank you for protecting me, all of us, everybody and thing that you could. I thanked the angels for keeping me awake past my usual time and warning me energetically to get up at the oddest of moments and for helping me see the light and think immediately of other humans before racing off and falling into my casual patterns of flight. today I spent the day distracting myself, It's almost 22 hours since it all happened and I am trying to feel okay falling asleep. but I remember constantly and see that my house is still standing. I have always been lucky, grateful, aware, Today I am more lucky than I have ever been, to have a home, a place to cook dinner and trees that are still alive and breathing next to me, the earth, the valley, the angels that have been protecting me. I am in the subtlest of terms, lucky. I still have a closet full of clothes and a bed to sleep in. rain in my ears and beauty when I wake in the morning.
I am no stranger to how fast things come and go. I've been learning this lessons for what feels like my entire life. rebirth, death, the transition. Again, and again, and again. I wonder sometimes if that is what life really is, there is so much beauty and yet every human i know can connect upon the concept of rebirth as it happens in one way or another. Lifetimes within one, recreation, a whole new world before your eyes within seconds or sometimes you don't even see it happening until suddenly you stop and look around and everything is just different. Better than before, more you, yet so different. In experiences like the one I have just had, I feel like I am given the opportunity to see how protected I am, how i respond, my thoughts and the parts of me that rise that I am so unaware of. My shadow side. In the times when my body takes over in adrenaline, I fly. I never realized how fast. I am unsure of the last time I felt that much adrenaline coursing through my system. Afterwards i've been going through all the emotions of grief, gratitude, guilt for my actions, the way I reacted, "did i do everything I could've in that moment" it all happened so fast, but I guess that's the only way to learn about yourself. Everyone's saying, "i'm so glad you're okay" and I still have a home so what else can I say but I am? The image burns in my head of a wildfire burning less than 500 ft away from me, exponentially growing. I probably checked my window over 100 time's today to ensure there wasn't anything else happening.
never forget what you have.
otherwise god may remind you.
Oh to be single on valentine's day. But it got me thinking. Valentine's day is deeply a holiday made to celebrate love but like what does the girl do on valentine's day? it's a lot more of a day that women are celebrated within relationships. It's always up to the man to show up and plan everything and pay for everything too. I mean, every woman I know, including myself, wants their partner to do that on valentine's day. It's basically a second birthday. I wonder if the day was created because women are really only getting shown up for a couple times a year from their partners and they deserve to be shown up for everyday. but really, let's find out. lemme google it my friend. Where on earth did valentine's day originate from? oh my lord you are not going to believe this. there is actually no pinpoint or specific date that created valentine's day. it's a whole bunch of speculation of possible historical traditions that could have started it. One is roman, one is christian, one is from england and france, and then there's another one all about it being the beginning of a birds mating season. The best one by far is the roman festival called Lupercalia which was a wine festival in which they would pair off men and women for fertility reasons. that is hilarious. I feel like this holiday along with all holidays is really a day to choose to celebrate love. But then again, I am and have really been becoming a human being who is very aware of choice in general in life.
I used to believe in fate and possible findings of things that were always meant to be and you know, to a degree, I really still do but in a completely different way that can be a tad confusing and/or fall into the category of conspiracy. What I have come to find over the years is that everything you do and even more the way you experience is all within your choice of how you want to. So valentine's day or christmas or the 4th of july are all choices. Every holiday, every moment, every experience. it used to be so hard for me to believe that everything was a choice because I was one of those people who had had so many things happen to me or in my life that i could never believe were my choice. lots of uncool things and definitely over the border of not okay things. What i have realized though it that no matter what happens in your life, you're the one who chooses how you want to perceive what happened and how you want to move forward with what happened. It's a huge part of why there are always two sides to the story. It's always perception. And on top of it all, it's honestly really cool that we get to choose our perception because that in and of itself gives us the opportunity to create our own reality. I am going to let you in on a little secret about the way I choose to create my own reality. It was not always hunky dory and easy to do. I still find things that I am also working on today. But I feel like what better way to celebrate love than to give you some of the subtle secrets to finding more love within your own life.
Now I used to choose to be upset by everything but a lot of your subconscious thought stems from the things you have been told your entire life and the way your brain has been programmed. So this is the hard work to be completely honest. It's such a common term today to be told over and again that you need to get down and dirty and do the hard work, the inner work, face your shadow. Well this is usually a huge part of your shadow. Everyone is different so there is a different amount of shadow per person but a pillar of the shadow is always built from times in your life when you did not feel worthy. Wild concept, I know. So you need to work backwards in your mind and find the voice in your head that is your shadows and begin to question it. This part can be hard. Mine used to say a lot of things like:
"you're pathetic, not thin enough, pretty enough
you need to be pretty to be someone
you'll never make it, remember only one in a million makes it in life
money doesn't come to those of us who don't work our asses off for it"
xyz, so many more things that I do not want to write. anywho, that was all my shadow so let me put into perspective for you where these things came from and how I approached the beginning of shifting my mindset into choosing positivity and love. First off, you are love, that is your natural frequency and that has never left and will never leave you. So I started my process by just taking the time to notice and listen to myself. I have always been an incredible listener, but I used to use all my listening power only on others. I had never given myself the opportunity to listen to myself and it's so easy. You just watch your thought process and pay attention. What did you say today that was weird? What thought surprised you? What thought made absolutely no sense or was completely unnecessary? There. That thought that was unnecessary, whether it was directed at you or at another, that's usually a great place to start. Let's say you see someone online(i'm gonna use my own experiences for authenticity) and they are gorgeous. I used to love Charly Jordan, famous DJ/model/etc. She does a lot. Anytime I would see her face online while she was blowing up, I would hear myself repeat, oh if only I was that beautiful then i'd be in her position too. Or, she only got that gig because her face is so symmetrical and she's the idea of beauty and not everyone can have those opportunities. We aren't all born with perfect faces. Yes, these are thoughts I actually used to have, it's wild to think about. (and to give charly credit, she's actually so kind just for your knowledge).
Now, have you ever heard of projection? haha probably because that is huge online right now. but in case you have not, projection is kind of a spiritual term for when you say or direct energy, experience, or thought outwardly that is really in reference to you. it's a way of not having to look at yourself and work on your own shit basically or even just take acknowledgement of where you can grow from. So I was outwardly directing all this hate of myself and my looks and my not achieving the accomplishments I wanted(like modeling, or being a public figure, or feeling beautiful) onto charly. And the wildest part is that she never even knew, it was just my own experience. I was never one of those trolls who typed my thoughts out online for her to see. I am sorry for the negative energy I used to project her way. But that was some of the very first inner work that I needed to do. After recognizing that I was thinking all these things of her and really a ton of other beautiful women as well, I finally found myself in realization that all these thoughts were saying the same thing. That I did not feel beautiful enough or at all to be the person I wanted to be but wasn't. Inner work is always made out to be so incredibly hard and it can be but the concept is way way harder than actually doing it. Like they say, action always, ALWAYS, speaks louder than words. So after witnessing my thoughts, realizing they were really about myself, it was time to take action on the fact that I did not feel enough. This was really a center or sore spot within my own self worth. And during this time, there were also many other thoughts and things I was working through that were genuinely all tied to this same sore spot of not feeling worthy. I started at this point doing hypnosis which really helped me step into my own head and face myself, but you really don't need it, it's more about finding something that helps you feel like you're being guided into your innermost world.
After you get inside your head, the easiest thing for me was to ask myself questions. It could be different for you. I started by targeting those original thoughts and basically becoming my 2 year old self, or the version of me that asked why a thousand times until I could get to the bottom of really understanding. so thought one was "you're pathetic, not thin enough, pretty enough" so then I would sit inside my head and say why? Why am I pathetic? hmm. i don't know. okay why do I say that to myself? answer. Okay where did this originate from? - etc. you continue doing this until you find the base of the answer or in most cases for me, i almost always ended up down a road of realizing that the reason i said that to myself over and over again was because when I was younger I was told things like that over and over again and none of it was actually my truth, but it was another's projection which was probably another's projection and so on. so then once you've come to the point of understanding with yourself, that is when the hardest part comes. This is the shit i really struggled with and still do to this day. This is called reprogramming. so now I am aware that I am not pathetic, I never have been, I mean maybe in certain moments I did act pathetically because I thought i was already pathetic but in the matter of knowing now that I am not, I can CHOOSE to continue forward in a new way, as my true self. But when you have been told something hundreds of times, and then thousands because you have been telling yourself that for years, you need to first replace that thought pattern.
In order to do this, it's a whole lot more of listening and replacing. So anytime your shadow self says something like that or any thought you are working to reprogram, you need to now stop yourself and remember that you already got to the base of that issue and replace that thought. Let me give you a more realistic example. If I said in my head, oh she's only famous because she's so beautiful. HAULT. Freya, she is someone else, you do not know her story. step away from placing another at the center of my projection. Turn toward myself. Remember you are beautiful as well, beauty stems from within, everything is in divine timing, she deserves abundance and love AND you deserve abundance and love. We are both worthy of love. ETC. When I do this, I often use several reminders to replace the negative thought because it takes awhile to reprogram your mind and you also cannot do too much when it comes to remembering your own worth. You also never know which thought is the most in resonance with your body and is going to recreate the vibration of love or authenticity within yourself so trying more rather than less is something I do, you of course can CHOOSE to approach your own shadow however you want to. Once you get to doing this all the time and just spending a ton of your own energy on reprogramming your own subconscious then you are able to see physical results in your everyday life. it's a lifetime process. And working with your shadow in this way creates a whole new relationship which you can then move forward with for the rest of your life. Shadows never really leave, it's all about the relationship you create and put energy into. I mean, shadows only feel dark and gloomy because they're feeling drained and unloved by you.
happy valentines day babe.
i've really truly got no plan b, but i've got a million plan a's. i was raised in this reality where the only way to be creative, to succeed, to make it was to have a plan b and as i have shifted over the years, i have realized that i actually stand on the side of feeling the complete opposite. i've hit all these points in my life where having a plan b would've given me the option to go back and low key give up on my dreams or not so much give up but more so put them on hold for another year while I rebuilt myself enough to try again. The way I live now is a whole lot more of, build as I go otherwise I will be in ashes. i was having a really real and intimate conversation the other evening with one of my gallllfriends and we were talking about the concept of not being able to turn back. kind of the "the point of no return" and I hit that point when I was 23 years old and I made a decision that would impact the rest of my life. It cut out my options of going back to a classic reality and climbing a corporate latter or so on. It really sent me into my current reality as a, final push, you could say to really make it. and now that I am here, three more years into that, I am probably one of the biggest advocates for having no plan b you will ever meet. Firstly, it pushes you to not give up and to see the fails along your journey as more ammunition towards your goal. Secondly, it keeps you in this creative space where you learn over time to naturally fall into your intuition when things go haywire. The amount of times I have created entire projects and put all my energy into them for months and even years and watched them plummet into the floor when I launched has been insane. I have learned always to celebrate along the way because if you do not, the satisfaction of perseverance dies, you NEED to remember the things you have done right or well for a better word. After that, you go for the gold and if you don't find it, there's this really intimate period with yourself where you get to sit with yourself and say, "what went well, and what didn't?" and then you start the entire process all over again.
I had a friend post the other day on her story this repost of someone saying that being a creative is really a whole lot of falling in love with the process and finding the enjoyment of the process of creation way more than the final act, because if you do not, you cannot see the joy in every single time you have to begin again, or walk through yet another tunnel of darkness. My third reason for being such an advocate for having no plan b is because we are intuitive and transformational creatures at our hearts. Having a plan b in the first place builds your reality based on "knowing" how everything will go and it sets you up for disappointment, anxiety attacks, and even more when the inevitable happens and your entire life shifts unexpectedly because that's the one thing in life you can count on, is the unknown or unexpected happening. This last year my brother came to visit me and he had spent the last like maybe 3/5 years working for this company. it had been a very stable job for him and a really cool one as well for the time. A few weeks before he came to visit me, he randomly got this intense feeling that he wasn't satisfied anymore and he needed to leave his job. He felt it in his bones, and luckily he knew how to follow his intuition and left his job right before visiting me. he had also set himself up for another job when he got back that he was very excited for. As soon as he landed on island, he got in the car and told me he had the most insane story to tell me. He walked me through his story of how only weeks, WEEKS, after he left his job, the entire company got completely shut down by the government and every single person was fired. He knew something was going to happen and he needed to shift and he listened to himself and moved forward on his own accord. It was a company that nobody had thought would ever end, and it was wiped off the map within a day. Things like this happen all the time in life. Sometimes much more tragic, sometimes more insane, and sometimes they're just weird enough to have no one see them coming. In these instances, you cannot plan, you are thrown into the dark and asked to walk. This is why I feel like all of your life should be spent moment to moment rather than through plan b's.
Four. Just because you do not have a plan b, does not mean in the slightest that you will not have a path forward. It also doesn't mean you stop dreaming, it almost enables you to dream bigger, be even more delusional than you ever have been. When you're living a life of plan A's, you can have 10 insane dreams at once and tackle them within the moment of whichever one feels the most joyful for you at the time. I'll use myself as an example. Right now, my only plan is this, being an author, a storyteller. I have written a book, I write short stories, journals, and other books in the dark, and so much more. I hit another pitfall the other day where I was like, "why isn't this working?" and luckily, I have been at this long enough to instead of being down about it for too long, I get my ass back up and sais, "okay, what can i try next?" and that is how this new blog has been born. Here I am, still writing. Is anyone reading, I have absolutely no clue. But I am giving it another shot, and with no plan B to turn back on, I cannot ever stop giving it another shot. I have placed myself in the straight trajectory of eventually something will work, all I have to do is enjoy this ride and trust the universe is bringing my ammunition, and maybe the lighter too or even some gas would be nice to get it started but no matter, I trust the best is coming. plus, sometimes along the path, you find these little things that really take you somewhere you never imagined you would be. is it just another shot? of course, but it sure is fun once you learn to enjoy the divots in the path. I learned early on that I needed some kind of fund to get myself going, so I made a really strong decision to fund myself with what I could create out of nothing. It was a decision that many people have strong opinions on, but for me, it was my trust fund and access to build what I really wanted to build, what really would bring me the most joy. There is more than enough proof all over the world or interwebs of anyone and everyone who has ever succeeded starting somewhere and that where usually has access to an income. I never had that, so I made my own. That fund I created has now funded the publication of my first book, this and all the other websites I have built over the years, my photography business, and now it's also funding my newest business adventure, plus all my dream boards and the simple pleasures of my life like baking or groceries or even random fashion joys. When you have nothing, make something out of nothing. I think that might be the secret ingredient to a really successful person. That and remembering your perseverance through it all.
Five, and lastly, having no plan B is the happiest I have ever been in life. If you met me 5 years ago, you would call me a type A personality which is genuinely laughable if you have met me today. 5 years ago, I worked a 9-5, got a college degree, saved lmfao, traveled a couple times a year on some trip i planned 6-12 months prior to that, and I couldn't pencil you in if you didn't reach out to me at least a week in advance. I had a written out planned schedule and today if i saw that on my calendar, i'd have a panic attack probably. today i literally live by the hour. "oh its sunny today, let's go to the beach." and then I will spend four hours on the beach and work the next day. I could end up at a coffee shop and if someone I know is there and wants to talk, i'm in. I live in no rush anymore, can be respectfully late to anything and it's all in perfect timing. And i work completely online. There drastically different lifestyles and the most important part of them is that all these anxieties and depression that I used to have, are things that I have really worked on firstly, but they have really been witness and honoured now and in a way that I see them and experience them less than I ever have in my life. I wake up happy to wake up in life, and I never feel anymore like I have to do anything I don't feel aligned with in my heart and I smile in the mornings when I crawl out of my bed. I used to be one of the unhappiest people you could ever meet, and today I am one of the happiest. I think that is the most powerful thing of all things to shift and that in and of itself is why having no plan B's is the best route for me at this time. I honestly cannot say the best one for you, but I can say, how would you know if you never tried? Being a human, being alive is all about journeying, trying something new, learning about yourself and others. If I were to recommend anything, it would be to find your joy, and follow that. it'll shift everything for you.
for a really long time in my life I was that delusional ass woman who really thought too highly of what she could accomplish(to others of course). when social media came out, i know weird thought(I am not even that old), I was one of the first people i knew or in my reality to even think being an influencer was an option in life. As IG grew and little human's started popping off on there, I was like, I am going to do that, somehow. I didn't know how, but I just knew I was going to. Everyone in my life laughed, said don't give up and keep trying as if it wasn't actually possible. I used to have friends that would get really annoyed of me taking pictures and being an IG girl to the point that they would complain to me about it and say they really didn't like that part of me. I had some other not so friends friends say weird things to me when they'd see me steal like an artist which came out a few years later. I had family and friends tell me that as long as I always had a back up plan for the day i realize it wasn't working, only then should I keep on going. That maybe that back up plan should be a college degree, or reliable job. I never really had a back up plan though. I used to listen to others so much more than I do. now and I even went to college for two years and got an associates degree because I "needed a back up plan" but when the time came down to it, I looked at the University and thought about the fact that there was not a single degree they offered that I wanted. That was when I really realized that it just wasn't a part of my path at that time in my life. I walked away, with no backup plan and continued on my delusional path of being an influencer. today I have over 1.2 million followers online, I make my entire income online, and I live in hawaii and work from the pleasure of my cottage in the middle of a pretty off grid jungle.
That delusional teenager that I was never dreamed of the life I am living now, but something in my bones so strongly knew that this was just the path for me, those small drives of being an IG girl took me in a direction in life that completely shifted everything I ever knew about living. and even better, took me onto a path of being. Along the journey, after leaving Utah(my home town), I began to meet people who actually did the same thing I did. I stopped having friends who told me to stop taking photos all the time, and began to have friends who saw a dope spot and legit OFFERED to take a photo for me for IG. My family adjusted and became my advocates and always are open to helping me out with IG stuff now, most of them at least. And today, every single one of the friends I have is a creative pretty much. I was at my favorite coffee shop ordering my drink yesterday and the sweet owner said to me, "i didn't realize you were famous until I tagged you the other day." haha. I personally never use that word for myself so it was a really sweet thing to hear, but it also brought the reality i live really up close in my thoughts. Young me would be so ecstatic to find out that sentence was said to me. i'm still such a normal person though and what i really wish i had been taught along my journey towards whatever it is that I am perceived as online, is that your dreams actually feel so much more real and are more well rounded when you're actually living them. I(young me) always imagined that all these influencers had these insane lives where there weren't hard times or that they "felt" famous, or even that they just knew they were doing it right in life. But today, i realize that none of that is really true. I am sure some influencers understand that they are famous, but it never really feels that way because we as the pinpoint of a mass direction of energy are really people who have seen every second and side of that trajectory. We have watched the immensely slow growth to the point that every moment of it has just felt like yet another moment of trying to do the next thing, project, etc. How can we upgrade this time, how can we change, how can we be the best version of ourselves for both us and our audiences? I have realized now that i've been in this realm for a bit over 10 years that those who are so witnessed virtually are really a whole ton of people(real ass people) who are intimately good with change or transformation. The most influential out there are those who seem to be able to adapt the most seamlessly and actually have fallen in love with the type of mass shift that can occur at any moment in their lives. it's like mastering the cycle of a phoenix.
Lately i have become really aware that I have come to a very pinnacle point in my life where it seems as if there is a crossroads. Although, I don't really actually believe in crossroads in life because I believe the part of you that knows what you're meant to be or do or witness has been with you all along and no matter the crossroads, you always would've gone down the exact path you're meant to. However, this moment in my life feels like I know that I am right before this massive stepping grounds and this transition I am currently in is probably one of the most uncomfortable places I have ever been at. Really the only movement forward is to fall into the uncomfortability and relish in it. But at the same time, it feels like a choice almost(all all life is meant to feel like a choice). I can so easily see the path ahead, the mass change, the shift, the emptying out to be filled once again, the rise of the phoenix. And yet I feel more scared or afraid than I have before in my life of my life path. it's this really raw moment of standing before a huge feat in your life and wondering, "do i actually have what it takes to do this?" when you know you do, but this is your very last moment to back down and choose another life. And yet, there is no other path I see or life I want, this has always been it. My life simply wouldn't feel like the one I came here for without this specific journey, no matter which dark forests I have to wander through, or what skies of pink and blue I may get to float upon, the demons I may face within, or even the angels that will walk with me along the path - it's simply the one I know in my bones that is meant for me. And one of the very few things I know is that you cannot miss what is meant for you.
a few years ago i realized for the first time that not everyone relates with the hero or heroine in a story. My whole life up until that point I had always been the ariel, the tiana, the iron man, the rue, the magician, etc. and so i never thought twice about whether or not others related to those characters because in my reality and path I have always been someone who is on the journey of the hero archetype, the leader archetype, the muse, the mystic, the fairy godmother one day too. it's never been anything else for me, it's the story of the character in every book, it's the alchemist being played out in my reality. it's pure magic. i often think about this comment one of my closest friends said to me a few months ago maybe. She told me that of everyone her and I had met and known over the years of our friendship, that she had never met and been able to witness someone who had transformed so immensely and beautifully in such a short amount of time(she's honestly so kind to me it's insane). In the moments she said this to me, I was able to see that I was becoming one of these people I always talk about, someone who was learning to fall in love with the uncomfortability of change, that I was leaning into my archetype and journey. I have become the witness to the teachings of human life through this vessel. What a lucky place to have found. A front row seat.
I am her and she is me, and together we are becoming.
i've got some really sick friends, like dope, i mean. they're cool human beans(i call human beings human beans bc it's just cuter). Recently i've had some really incredible independant moments that have really stuck with me. I originally became an influencer because I wanted to travel, learn, explore. That did happen a bit but as I progressed further into my career in that realm, I have found that I really do it because i have this deep desire to touch people's hearts. To make them feel good, or important, like they matter(because we all do). It's highly likely that I have that desire because of ways I felt growing up, but it's really become a huge part of the way I live in my reality. It's almost the same as "treat others the way you want to be treated" but even more than that it's my own version of "i wanna make sure others never have to feel a negative way I have felt before." Everyone on this earth is literally so important, can you please everyone? absolutely not, so do not even try. But you can try and be the kindest and best person you can be.
some of my absolute favorite people on this earth are human beans that i actually feel like I have inspired once upon a time or have supported my own journey and inspired me. Most of my deeply intimate relationships are with people who live all around the world, and it's kind of been that way my entire life. I never really fit into any friend groups, i was always the girl who would bounce from one to another and so on. I never felt like any group was really in my deep alignment. One day, I went to a business/self esteem camp for many reasons, but i met some people for the first time in my life that made me feel like i actually was meant to be on this earth. it was my first moments of "oh shit, i matter too." and then those friendships dispersed and were all across the US and even world because it was a bunch of people from all around that came together for this experience. After that, I felt like all my friends were forever far away but i actually felt like I had some. As i have gotten older, I have realized that, that never really shifted. Friendships for me have always come in a cyclic pattern and one moment I will have so many and in another they will be spread across the world. They're never gone, it's always just a "see you when the stars align again." haha, I always joke because I deeply feel that my most recent friendships that have really stuck around are all starseeds. If you have never heard of that, it's basically a soul that has lived many other lifetimes throughout the galaxy in other star systems or planets, realms, etc. but we(as starseeds) chose to come to earth for the conscious revolution and to be lights as the planet shifts and we(as earth beings) move into an entirely new reality of living. Anyways, I realized as my closest friends dispersed this last time that we are like stars written across the planet. I have friends in all these weirdly cute little places on earth and if you just took our light and placed it against a black background, we would make up a constellation of stars. get it? haha starseeds. it's cute.
Sometimes it can also be super hard though to not have that many friends around you. for me, I actually live on a little island in the pacific ocean and it's quite unpopulated. The community is small and that's an entirely other entre. but making friends and ones that really resonate can be a challenge. i am so incredibly lucky to see my little stars once or twice a year when we all find a way to travel together or see each other, but the other 50 weeks of the year, i am pretty much on my own. where I currently am in life, i have one deeply respected friendship, I am actually doing taco tuesday tonight with her haha. but i really only get to see her once a week as she obviously has a life too. And i actually prefer friendships that choose to be together every moment they are because they are the most appreciated friendships, in my eyes at least, and her and i have that very well. i have a few other friendships that are still building also but the best ones really need to marinate. However, i have this one friend whom is one of the biggest advocates in my life and she and i have never even met in person. We facetime sometimes and chat via text like all the time but she is someone who has really given me so many moments of actual success in my life.
as mentioned before, i have this deep desire to really inspire others and help and give and show others their opportunities or how important they really are. it can be so incredibly hard to do that on a mass basis and especially online. but it is basically common knowledge that even just touching one person's heart is enough. This woman is my one person. The other night her and I were talking and i've really deeply been struggling with my passion for purpose recently. i've been trying so hard to just feel like i am actually making a difference in this world and oftentimes i am extremely hard on myself, but all the negativity that is directed towards me online doesn't help haha. in these specific moments where I really feel like i have failed, or am failing, or haven't actually made others feel the ways I want to help others feel within themselves, or that i just feel like i have no idea what i am doing or why i have gone down the path i have to make a difference in this way, i have this deep moments of weakness and this woman is always there in them to remind me how much of a difference i have made in just her life. she very well may be one of my walking angels(this is a concept that will be in one of my next books). The other eve I was feeling this way, completely distraught and like I just don't know what the fuck to do next, as if I had tried everything, feeling very discouraged. As i opened up to her about this, she responded by telling me how much I had come into her life in a time when she really had no idea how she was going to move forward. She thanked me for everything I had done from simple little conversations, to things I have taught her, to always standing for her worthiness, and getting her new opportunities along the way. I genuinely felt tears rising through my system reading this message she sent me because it was everything I have ever wanted to make another feel. it was a moment in one of my hardest moments of literal proof that I am still accomplishing my purpose just along the way of life. and it's through these human beans that actually mean so much to me, the one's i am so incredibly honored to actually get to be an inspiration or even simply just a friend for.
moral of the story is really that you are serving, you are doing everything you desire. you simply existing and being who you are inside is what is making the most difference. life is a whole ton of energetic waves and that is why everything we experience comes in wavelike patterns, or cycles. just remember that you are doing your absolute best and that baby, is more than enough. i love you.
thank you for being here.
i thought the times of the past were dead but they are very much still alive. The concept of a woman having nipples and wearing them proudly in our society has long been a foreign concept and still is today. the sexualization of a female's breasts has been so overdone throughout society that it has been subconsciously programmed so deeply into our minds that when we do see something like that in public, or even more often on the internet(these days), we tend to make judgements or place that memory in a bank far off from us because of these taught perceptions. I was born in 1997. that means like right before the 2000's. As I was growing up as a kid there was first a really epic time where women(in their 20's and 30's) did wear shirts without bras and nipples were the hottest thing out there,. you can see it all through television history and even, if you're lucky, in the fancy schmancy film photos your parents have. but ever since social media came out, along with the internet in general things have really changed. now I personally have a really interesting perspective. Firstly, I showered with my parents when I was a little girl, and then when that didn't happen anymore, we all changed in front of each other until I was at least 7/9. But on top of all of that, I grew up as a dancer. As a dancer, you are literally rarely wearing more than a little sports bra and some dance shorts for basically your entire dance career. You also all change, men and women, in the backstage room. It's like being naked was and has always been such a normal thing for me. I actually remember being in high school and just going right at it and changing in front of others and like shocking the absolute shit out of my friends that I was so willing to just change right then and there and wasn't going off into a bathroom to change. I did it all the time and got used to shocking people, but that all feeds into how I am so comfortable showing my body these days.
Secondly, as a teenager, my dad had this friend who was a photographer and took nude/implied content for women. This was all before onlyfans every existed so it's honestly hilarious to think about. This is like 2015 ish and around those years. This guy would come to my dads house for weeks at a time to shoot in the utah mountains and my dad's house. he would have like 5+ models at the house the whole time he was there(of course all the models were over 18), and I would see these girls shooting in basically no clothing and sometimes actually no clothing. They were pretty good about hiding the nudity while I was still a teenager though, gotta admit. So after growing up as a dancer, not thinking my body was a sexual thing, changing casually, seeing these women half naked all around my house in my teens, etc. I really learned that bodies were just bodies and that you could either be proud and in yours or be someone else. I was obviously the first one. But things really changed for me when I was around 21 because I surgically changed my body and i learned so f much. At like 18 I started modeling and I was a cute, fit girl, I was like hot energetically but i didn't really have the body of a woman. I had never really been through a ton of specific sexualization, only within my relationships and the casual sexualization that we are all taught of women and that every woman I know has also been through. But around 21, after modeling for a few years, the online social world and "what was pretty or attractive online" really had started to get to me. I started my journey into the world of augmentation. the first thing I ever did was get some lip filler, of course, anything i did or have done I have really taken the time to think about for like years or at least 6-12 months before making the final decision. I really have always been the person to want to ensure I am going to like something once I have made that decision. So I got my lips, I remember the day after they were so swollen I literally fell on the floor bawling because I thought i had just deeply fucked my face up haha. it was genuinely insane. but i got over it and fell in love and realized that the first time i did way too much, so going forward i only did half the amount! Most of the way through being 21 I had been thinking about a breast augmentation for years and finally decided to do it. I finally had saved enough money and really thought everything through, done my immense hours of research, etc. i had a b/c cup my whole life, it would shift up and down based on my health but when I was 17 my best friend died in a tragic car accident. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever been through and in the depressive episode afterwards I literally lost 20 lbs. I went from weighing 130 lbs to 110 lbs and i've never gained the weight back. When I lost all that weight, my boobs shrank to a b from a c cup and i really struggled with having the smallest boobs i had ever had in my life. insert the idea of a boob job. So that's what led me down this path. I went through surgery and got boobs, like legit big boobs for the first time in my life.
now here's the thing, I was oblivious AF to what it's like to actually have boobs as a woman. After getting boobs I actually started getting comments in real life and online about my breasts. Things that had never been said to me before and I genuinely had never really been one to have a ton of people staring at my chest while literally talking to my face but that changed so fast it was insane. The way everything became about my breasts within the next few years was just absurd. I mean, luckily for me, I chose them and really wanted them so for the first year it was actually flattering to realize I finally felt like a woman. After 5 years though, which is where I am now, it's not quite the same. Today I now have so much more respect for so many young women that I knew growing up who had boobs and would be more protective of their bodies over the time I knew them, i really didn't understand the derogatory comments made on a regular basis and that happening while you're so young. my heart.
As I grew up never wearing a bra(because itty bitty tittie committe didn't have to) and never being someone who hid my body, I owned that shit once I got my boobs. I was so excited, of course, so I posted them all over IG and tiktok. Went viral several times too solely for my boobs. Thousands and thousands of comments all about the knockers on my chest, from both men and women(many not as kind as they could be). Today I have finally really found my voice and even though I share it, more often than not, the comments still relate to my chest rather than the infinite poetic words in the video, though of course, I am not wearing a bra in my videos because that has never been the type of person I am, so of course my titties are free as can be enjoying life while I am young and in my 20's. I have this HUGE rule where I do not read the comments on my account anymore bc there is so much hate and even if there isn't, it is so easy to get triggered by one hate comment that it just isn't worth it for your own mental wellbeing(and lord knows i need my peace). I'm currently working on my second poetry book proposal. something that is really important in a proposal is the recognition of your followers appreciating your poetry, and yes, that means through comments. I spent last night reading through my comments on my poetry videos to see if I could find any that could be used in my proposal and let me tell you, the hate i read through last night was so intense that I wasn't even sad, I was completely dissociated. I felt nothing. It was like I was numbly staring off into the distance. That's kind of just my life and also any other influencers life, but it really got me thinking about having nipples as a woman in society. Most of the comments weren't even about my boobs being large but the majority were upset that you could see my actual nipples, which are something that poke through every single shirt I have unless I wore a bra. it's pretty insane to me considering that is the part of a woman's body that literally feeds a child while they are growing and first born, that is the part of a woman's body that can activate her pleasure centers and open her heart center, that is such an absolutely beautiful part of a woman(i appreciate the f out of it bc i am also into women) and yet it's considered so offensive to be seen publicly or anywhere other than in a private setting. in my head, it seems so obviously programmed to be an issue that it's almost absurd that so many people really feed into that type of hate or energy, the kind that drains them even more than it could drain the person they're throwing it at.
I learned a while ago that we are all here for a revolution of the unconscious into the awakened conscious. This in and of itself feels so much to me like exactly that, a part of the revolution. Along with many other weird things that are societally taught to us, I've experienced a few personally, but a lot of the concepts that society or groups of people still think need to be played out within a box, living by these rules that only exist because we think they exist. This is our time to slowly shift that paradigm and shatter all these damn boxes or molds of what is "supposed" to be. It's a huge part of me as a whole, especially considering this character I get to watch myself play out on a daily and lifetime basis, "challenging" all these concepts so constricted. I definitely love it, despite all the hate, or projections, or whatever it is that is being thrown around today. As long as we're all learning and growing, I'm good. I know I am. And I also know that I am not the type of girl to wear a bra. I do realize though, surprisingly, over time that I am feeling less and less need to share my body so freely on the internet as I get older. It could be from me finally finding my voice, or the energy it takes to be perceived only as a nude shell for so long, or it could just be me growing and changing and wanting to find more of a sacred energy and space within my sexuality to share with those who really reciprocate love. No matter which it is or even if it is all three, it's quite astounding to recognize and witness of myself and of the many other women I also know who live a similar experience to mine in the realms of work and a vessel forward life. we're all growing man. it's pretty f dope.
Freya Ray is an intellectual and inspiring author, captivating the minds, bodies, and souls of the feminine sphere. With unwavering determination, she challenges society's distorted perception of women, fearlessly recounting her personal journey encompassing sexuality, abuse, and the depths of her erotic nature. As an influential online personality, Freya commands a substantial following of over 1.3 million loyal fans. Through daily life vlogs, she fearlessly shares her experiences, philosophical insights, creative realms, and unique perspectives. With a constant desire for growth and evolution, Freya continually inspires others to unleash their full potential and become the best version of themselves.