the fickle reality of existence.

Yesterday I got some of the most beautiful photos I have ever seen of myself, of my passions. 
​last night the house adjacent to mine burnt to the ground. 
tonight i dyed my hair purple to fill my brain with more time to process..

     last night I was watching trinkets, a show on Netflix about these three women from different circles becoming friends in the most random of ways. Shows that showcase the awkward reality of humanity really hit home for me because I have never been one who fit in, I was and have always been awkward in the calmest of descriptions. I have come to be so grateful for it, it's actually a part of my life that tends to contrast my reality in the oddest of ways and also attract the most spectacular humans you could ever imagine, really. A scene had just showcased of one of the main characters who had dated this man who was unkind to her. I mean way more than unkind, he had obviously abused her, physically of course, because it doesn't make sense to the audience watching the show if you don't show it in that way. There are so many forms of abuse that nobody talks about or can recreate in a way that television would understand. Anyways, the guy and her had finally walked away from one another, taken space. He then started dating a girl who she used to be super close with. This was all odd for me because it hit home so hard, I have been experiencing something so similar, unspoken of really within my life, yet more real than ever. This girl in the show decided to approach the woman now dating her ex and let her know that she was there and she understood how he could get, you know, when no one else is around. and the new girlfriend lashed out at her. "back tf off, he would never do anything to me, you're the one who is f crazy." and she walked away angrily. The scene was ending and something inside of me was irked, to say the least. I was intimately uncomfortable and got up out of my bed, looked to my left and the entire window was filled with this orange red glow. I'd seen small fires before from a distance. I knew what they looked like, felt like, I grew up in Utah for godsake, camping was my livelihood. This one wasn't like that. The trees less than 500 ft away from me were glowing on the opposite side of them. For a slight second I stared at them, wondered if it was possible it was someone burning something, anything on purpose. It was too big. Within seconds the size of the fire doubled, The trees must've caught fire, and suddenly the valley was glowing with the wild red mother. I fell deep into fight or flight in those moments. I remember the thoughts in my brain racing, "we have to leave,"
"this is growing too rapidly"
"pack your things"
"911"
"what do you really need"
my body took over.

     I live in this small valley, off grid, very voluptuous in greenery. It was unlikely this could happen, made no sense. It was wet, actually one of the wettest places on earth, literally. And yet there was a fire right next to me 10x my being at least and burning so bright that others could see the valley glowing form 15 miles away, at least. I spoke to the police, three times but the repeated "hello, can you hear me" kept echoing through my speaker phone. My off-grid system had subtle service. I was pacing back and forth, "can you hear me, hello, there's a huge fire next to me, XXX, XXX" eventually a respondent said "yes, ambulances have been dispatched." Thank you, thank you, thank you repeated in my head. out loud, both I guess. I threw my passport in a bag, my laptop, the pair of pants on my bed. Grabbed my blanket and stuffed animal, ran and tossed them into my car, to the neighbors, screaming, wake up, there's a fire, we should probably leave. I shook them out of bed, there's a huge fire, I said. over and over and over again. 

     a couple hours later I was back in my house, as were my neighbors. 3x ambulances up the road until 5 am, the fire was out by three ish.. my friend isaac talked me through it as I was in a full blown panic. I kept reliving it, over and again. The red., The glow. The panic. The safety. :Luck. Gratitude. Reality. i'm still processing. The ambulances left around 5, I fell asleep and dreamt of being friends with my favorite real life anime character. For the first time in weeks I had a dream that wouldn't be categorized as a nightmare. I don't really experience as much fear anymore, i've been through so much, but last night, last night I felt immense loss and that shook through me. I felt my entire reality crumble within seconds, the thoughts of all of this not existing from one moment to the next., I spent the rest of the evening touching all the protective plants around my home whispering thank you's and expressing every inch of energetic gratitude I could. Last night I prayed and opened my space to each and every spirit of the land the say thank you for protecting me, all of us, everybody and thing that you could. I thanked the angels for keeping me awake past my usual time and warning me energetically to get up at the oddest of moments and for helping me see the light and think immediately of other humans before racing off and falling into my casual patterns of flight. today I spent the day distracting myself, It's almost 22 hours since it all happened and I am trying to feel okay falling asleep. but I remember constantly and see that my house is still standing. I have always been lucky, grateful, aware, Today I am more lucky than I have ever been, to have a home, a place to cook dinner and trees that are still alive and breathing next to me, the earth, the valley, the angels that have been protecting me. I am in the subtlest of terms, lucky. I still have a closet full of clothes and a bed to sleep in. rain in my ears and beauty when I wake in the morning. 

     I am no stranger to how fast things come and go. I've been learning this lessons for what feels like my entire life. rebirth, death, the transition. Again, and again, and again. I wonder sometimes if that is what life really is, there is so much beauty and yet every human i know can connect upon the concept of rebirth as it happens in one way or another. Lifetimes within one, recreation, a whole new world before your eyes within seconds or sometimes you don't even see it happening until suddenly you stop and look around and everything is just different. Better than before, more you, yet so different. In experiences like the one I have just had, I feel like I am given the opportunity to see how protected I am, how i respond, my thoughts and the parts of me that rise that I am so unaware of. My shadow side. In the times when my body takes over in adrenaline, I fly. I never realized how fast. I am unsure of the last time I felt that much adrenaline coursing through my system. Afterwards i've been going through all the emotions of grief, gratitude, guilt for my actions, the way I reacted, "did i do everything I could've in that moment" it all happened so fast, but I guess that's the only way to learn about yourself. Everyone's saying, "i'm so glad you're okay" and I still have a home so what else can I say but I am? The image burns in my head of a wildfire burning less than 500 ft away from me, exponentially growing. I probably checked my window over 100 time's today to ensure there wasn't anything else happening.


never forget what you have.
otherwise god may remind you.