valentine's day

     Oh to be single on valentine's day. But it got me thinking. Valentine's day is deeply a holiday made to celebrate love but like what does the girl do on valentine's day? it's a lot more of a day that women are celebrated within relationships. It's always up to the man to show up and plan everything and pay for everything too. I mean, every woman I know, including myself, wants their partner to do that on valentine's day. It's basically a second birthday. I wonder if the day was created because women are really only getting shown up for a couple times a year from their partners and they deserve to be shown up for everyday. but really, let's find out. lemme google it my friend. Where on earth did valentine's day originate from? oh my lord you are not going to believe this. there is actually no pinpoint or specific date that created valentine's day. it's a whole bunch of speculation of possible historical traditions that could have started it. One is roman, one is christian, one is from england and france, and then there's another one all about it being the beginning of a birds mating season. The best one by far is the roman festival called Lupercalia which was a wine festival in which they would pair off men and women for fertility reasons. that is hilarious. I feel like this holiday along with all holidays is really a day to choose to celebrate love. But then again, I am and have really been becoming a human being who is very aware of choice in general in life.
     I used to believe in fate and possible findings of things that were always meant to be and you know, to a degree, I really still do but in a completely different way that can be a tad confusing and/or fall into the category of conspiracy. What I have come to find over the years is that everything you do and even more the way you experience is all within your choice of how you want to. So valentine's day or christmas or the 4th of july are all choices. Every holiday, every moment, every experience. it used to be so hard for me to believe that everything was a choice because I was one of those people who had had so many things happen to me or in my life that i could never believe were my choice. lots of uncool things and definitely over the border of not okay things. What i have realized though it that no matter what happens in your life, you're the one who chooses how you want to perceive what happened and how you want to move forward with what happened. It's a huge part of why there are always two sides to the story. It's always perception. And on top of it all, it's honestly really cool that we get to choose our perception because that in and of itself gives us the opportunity to create our own reality. I am going to let you in on a little secret about the way I choose to create my own reality. It was not always hunky dory and easy to do. I still find things that I am also working on today. But I feel like what better way to celebrate love than to give you some of the subtle secrets to finding more love within your own life. 
     Now I used to choose to be upset by everything but a lot of your subconscious thought stems from the things you have been told your entire life and the way your brain has been programmed. So this is the hard work to be completely honest. It's such a common term today to be told over and again that you need to get down and dirty and do the hard work, the inner work, face your shadow. Well this is usually a huge part of your shadow. Everyone is different so there is a different amount of shadow per person but a pillar of the shadow is always built from times in your life when you did not feel worthy. Wild concept, I know. So you need to work backwards in your mind and find the voice in your head that is your shadows and begin to question it. This part can be hard. Mine used to say a lot of things like:
"you're pathetic, not thin enough, pretty enough
you need to be pretty to be someone
you'll never make it, remember only one in a million makes it in life
money doesn't come to those of us who don't work our asses off for it"
xyz, so many more things that I do not want to write. anywho, that was all my shadow so let me put into perspective for you where these things came from and how I approached the beginning of shifting my mindset into choosing positivity and love. First off, you are love, that is your natural frequency and that has never left and will never leave you. So I started my process by just taking the time to notice and listen to myself. I have always been an incredible listener, but I used to use all my listening power only on others. I had never given myself the opportunity to listen to myself and it's so easy. You just watch your thought process and pay attention. What did you say today that was weird? What thought surprised you? What thought made absolutely no sense or was completely unnecessary? There. That thought that was unnecessary, whether it was directed at you or at another, that's usually a great place to start. Let's say you see someone online(i'm gonna use my own experiences for authenticity) and they are gorgeous. I used to love Charly Jordan, famous DJ/model/etc. She does a lot. Anytime I would see her face online while she was blowing up, I would hear myself repeat, oh if only I was that beautiful then i'd be in her position too. Or, she only got that gig because her face is so symmetrical and she's the idea of beauty and not everyone can have those opportunities. We aren't all born with perfect faces. Yes, these are thoughts I actually used to have, it's wild to think about. (and to give charly credit, she's actually so kind just for your knowledge).
     Now, have you ever heard of projection? haha probably because that is huge online right now. but in case you have not, projection is kind of a spiritual term for when you say or direct energy, experience, or thought outwardly that is really in reference to you. it's a way of not having to look at yourself and work on your own shit basically or even just take acknowledgement of where you can grow from. So I was outwardly directing all this hate of myself and my looks and my not achieving the accomplishments I wanted(like modeling, or being a public figure, or feeling beautiful) onto charly. And the wildest part is that she never even knew, it was just my own experience. I was never one of those trolls who typed my thoughts out online for her to see. I am sorry for the negative energy I used to project her way. But that was some of the very first inner work that I needed to do. After recognizing that I was thinking all these things of her and really a ton of other beautiful women as well, I finally found myself in realization that all these thoughts were saying the same thing. That I did not feel beautiful enough or at all to be the person I wanted to be but wasn't. Inner work is always made out to be so incredibly hard and it can be but the concept is way way harder than actually doing it. Like they say, action always, ALWAYS, speaks louder than words. So after witnessing my thoughts, realizing they were really about myself, it was time to take action on the fact that I did not feel enough. This was really a center or sore spot within my own self worth. And during this time, there were also many other thoughts and things I was working through that were genuinely all tied to this same sore spot of not feeling worthy. I started at this point doing hypnosis which really helped me step into my own head and face myself, but you really don't need it, it's more about finding something that helps you feel like you're being guided into your innermost world. 
     After you get inside your head, the easiest thing for me was to ask myself questions. It could be different for you. I started by targeting those original thoughts and basically becoming my 2 year old self, or the version of me that asked why a thousand times until I could get to the bottom of really understanding. so thought one was "you're pathetic, not thin enough, pretty enough" so then I would sit inside my head and say why? Why am I pathetic? hmm. i don't know. okay why do I say that to myself? answer. Okay where did this originate from? - etc. you continue doing this until you find the base of the answer or in most cases for me, i almost always ended up down a road of realizing that the reason i said that to myself over and over again was because when I was younger I was told things like that over and over again and none of it was actually my truth, but it was another's projection which was probably another's projection and so on. so then once you've come to the point of understanding with yourself, that is when the hardest part comes. This is the shit i really struggled with and still do to this day. This is called reprogramming. so now I am aware that I am not pathetic, I never have been, I mean maybe in certain moments I did act pathetically because I thought i was already pathetic but in the matter of knowing now that I am not, I can CHOOSE to continue forward in a new way, as my true self. But when you have been told something hundreds of times, and then thousands because you have been telling yourself that for years, you need to first replace that thought pattern.
     In order to do this, it's a whole lot more of listening and replacing. So anytime your shadow self says something like that or any thought you are working to reprogram, you need to now stop yourself and remember that you already got to the base of that issue and replace that thought. Let me give you a more realistic example. If I said in my head, oh she's only famous because she's so beautiful. HAULT. Freya, she is someone else, you do not know her story. step away from placing another at the center of my projection. Turn toward myself. Remember you are beautiful as well, beauty stems from within, everything is in divine timing, she deserves abundance and love AND you deserve abundance and love. We are both worthy of love. ETC. When I do this, I often use several reminders to replace the negative thought because it takes awhile to reprogram your mind and you also cannot do too much when it comes to remembering your own worth. You also never know which thought is the most in resonance with your body and is going to recreate the vibration of love or authenticity within yourself so trying more rather than less is something I do, you of course can CHOOSE to approach your own shadow however you want to. Once you get to doing this all the time and just spending a ton of your own energy on reprogramming your own subconscious then you are able to see physical results in your everyday life. it's a lifetime process. And working with your shadow in this way creates a whole new relationship which you can then move forward with for the rest of your life. Shadows never really leave, it's all about the relationship you create and put energy into. I mean, shadows only feel dark and gloomy because they're feeling drained and unloved by you. 

happy valentines day babe.