knowing it within your bones.

     for a really long time in my life I was that delusional ass woman who really thought too highly of what she could accomplish(to others of course). when social media came out, i know weird thought(I am not even that old), I was one of the first people i knew or in my reality to even think being an influencer was an option in life. As IG grew and little human's started popping off on there, I was like, I am going to do that, somehow. I didn't know how, but I just knew I was going to. Everyone in my life laughed, said don't give up and keep trying as if it wasn't actually possible. I used to have friends that would get really annoyed of me taking pictures and being an IG girl to the point that they would complain to me about it and say they really didn't like that part of me. I had some other not so friends friends say weird things to me when they'd see me steal like an artist which came out a few years later. I had family and friends tell me that as long as I always had a back up plan for the day i realize it wasn't working, only then should I keep on going. That maybe that back up plan should be a college degree, or reliable job. I never really had a back up plan though. I used to listen to others so much more than I do. now and I even went to college for two years and got an associates degree because I "needed a back up plan" but when the time came down to it, I looked at the University and thought about the fact that there was not a single degree they offered that I wanted. That was when I really realized that it just wasn't a part of my path at that time in my life. I walked away, with no backup plan and continued on my delusional path of being an influencer. today I have over 1.2 million followers online, I make my entire income online, and I live in hawaii and work from the pleasure of my cottage in the middle of a pretty off grid jungle. 
     That delusional teenager that I was never dreamed of the life I am living now, but something in my bones so strongly knew that this was just the path for me, those small drives of being an IG girl took me in a direction in life that completely shifted everything I ever knew about living. and even better, took me onto a path of being. Along the journey, after leaving Utah(my home town), I began to meet people who actually did the same thing I did. I stopped having friends who told me to stop taking photos all the time, and began to have friends who saw a dope spot and legit OFFERED to take a photo for me for IG. My family adjusted and became my advocates and always are open to helping me out with IG stuff now, most of them at least. And today, every single one of the friends I have is a creative pretty much. I was at my favorite coffee shop ordering my drink yesterday and the sweet owner said to me, "i didn't realize you were famous until I tagged you the other day." haha. I personally never use that word for myself so it was a really sweet thing to hear, but it also brought the reality i live really up close in my thoughts. Young me would be so ecstatic to find out that sentence was said to me. i'm still such a normal person though and what i really wish i had been taught along my journey towards whatever it is that I am perceived as online, is that your dreams actually feel so much more real and are more well rounded when you're actually living them. I(young me) always imagined that all these influencers had these insane lives where there weren't hard times or that they "felt" famous, or even that they just knew they were doing it right in life. But today, i realize that none of that is really true. I am sure some influencers understand that they are famous, but it never really feels that way because we as the pinpoint of a mass direction of energy are really people who have seen every second and side of that trajectory. We have watched the immensely slow growth to the point that every moment of it has just felt like yet another moment of trying to do the next thing, project, etc. How can we upgrade this time, how can we change, how can we be the best version of ourselves for both us and our audiences? I have realized now that i've been in this realm for a bit over 10 years that those who are so witnessed virtually are really a whole ton of people(real ass people) who are intimately good with change or transformation. The most influential out there are those who seem to be able to adapt the most seamlessly and actually have fallen in love with the type of mass shift that can occur at any moment in their lives. it's like mastering the cycle of a phoenix.
     Lately i have become really aware that I have come to a very pinnacle point in my life where it seems as if there is a crossroads. Although, I don't really actually believe in crossroads in life because I believe the part of you that knows what you're meant to be or do or witness has been with you all along and no matter the crossroads, you always would've gone down the exact path you're meant to. However, this moment in my life feels like I know that I am right before this massive stepping grounds and this transition I am currently in is probably one of the most uncomfortable places I have ever been at. Really the only movement forward is to fall into the uncomfortability and relish in it. But at the same time, it feels like a choice almost(all all life is meant to feel like a choice). I can so easily see the path ahead, the mass change, the shift, the emptying out to be filled once again, the rise of the phoenix. And yet I feel more scared or afraid than I have before in my life of my life path. it's this really raw moment of standing before a huge feat in your life and wondering, "do i actually have what it takes to do this?" when you know you do, but this is your very last moment to back down and choose another life. And yet, there is no other path I see or life I want, this has always been it. My life simply wouldn't feel like the one I came here for without this specific journey, no matter which dark forests I have to wander through, or what skies of pink and blue I may get to float upon, the demons I may face within, or even the angels that will walk with me along the path - it's simply the one I know in my bones that is meant for me. And one of the very few things I know is that you cannot miss what is meant for you. 
     a few years ago i realized for the first time that not everyone relates with the hero or heroine in a story. My whole life up until that point I had always been the ariel, the tiana, the iron man, the rue, the magician, etc. and so i never thought twice about whether or not others related to those characters because in my reality and path I have always been someone who is on the journey of the hero archetype, the leader archetype, the muse, the mystic, the fairy godmother one day too. it's never been anything else for me, it's the story of the character in every book, it's the alchemist being played out in my reality. it's pure magic. i often think about this comment one of my closest friends said to me a few months ago maybe. She told me that of everyone her and I had met and known over the years of our friendship, that she had never met and been able to witness someone who had transformed so immensely and beautifully in such a short amount of time(she's honestly so kind to me it's insane). In the moments she said this to me, I was able to see that I was becoming one of these people I always talk about, someone who was learning to fall in love with the uncomfortability of change, that I was leaning into my archetype and journey. I have become the witness to the teachings of human life through this vessel. What a lucky place to have found. A front row seat.


                              I am her and she is me, and together we are becoming.