all of it.

     I had a friend tell me recently that she had a couple days in her life where she was so sad she actually worried about her sadness for the first time in her life. I really wanted to feel pity in that moment, but the only thoughts that ran through my head were, "thank god you're feeling." I have realized I genuinely don't believe a large portion of society would be able to handle depression at its most raw moments. I project this massive persona of being good and kind and though I am in moments, there is so much of myself that never sees the light of day. But man, I am human too so let's get real. I've never really gotten into this because it's tough to admit but the truth of the matter is that I contemplate my life on a regular of at least every 3 hours(idk if it's really my voice, but it's there, whispering, "maybe we can let go, maybe we've served our purpose already, there's no one that would really miss us, etc.) and I beg to say that those with an even deeper depression than mine contemplate theirs by the minute. The warriors in this reality are those who have this happening within their mind and not one soul knows because they have become strong enough to learn to handle it, or talk themselves down from the cliff in any given moment(often many of these warriors have had help learning to do that, THANK YOU therapists/elders). but here this, at my current place in my life, I am better than I have EVER been(i'm healthy, happy, abundant in so many ways, alive(DUDE I AM STILL ALIVE), etc.) and this is still something I struggle with too often. This is depression. So here is all of it. every horrid bit. 
     When I try to put into my mind the first time I started experiencing my depression, I would guesstimate the moments to be when I first started getting bullied. I remember being hot shit before that. But I also remember moments of intense sadness before that, but not to the degree of when the darkness began. It sounds so morbid, it's not, but it was worse than that while I was in the thick of it all. The first time I was bullied truly was by my best friends sister and I was in 6th grade. They were hurting and I see that now, but I don't really know what it was about me that called out, "use me as a punching bag, I got you." maybe it was my light or maybe it was nothing at all and I was just the only one who dared get close enough to their family. She was the beginning and it began with names, then pushing, to glares and rumors and actual tumbling over in the hallways or even being held against them when I got into middle school. After that I somehow attracted another group of kids to bully me and probably just because I was already in the energy of thinking at that point that I had done something wrong to deserve it or something. I didn't. nobody in this fucking world deserves to be bullied. my mom always tells me, to this day, that 7th grade was when she first noticed my light begin to dim. my mom says a lot of things though that honestly shock me when I hear them because I don't remember them AT ALL. sad. (but that is what happens when you're so deeply dissociative). Well, that's when I got hit. with depression I don't have a first memory really. I remember being in bed for hours, if not days just empty. Dark and heavy energies exploring every part of me and sometimes I thought it would never end, sometimes it would get even worse, and sometimes I would grab my bodysuit out of my closet of happy and put it on for school. the second I got home I would walk to the basement, crawl into my bed, and fall back into my empty. I remember a lot of days crying but when I actually felt emotion was when I would lose control, when it was empty I felt good. I felt like I could get through it when all it was me and whatever wall or ceiling I was staring at. But the emotion, that was my downfall. It would pour out of me in the most random of moments and it always started with a panic attack. It would be heavy breathing and stutter at points and i'd always fall on the floor and the thoughts in my brain were the exact definition of hell if you could imagine it. That is how I found self harm. 
     Everyone always hated how much i would self harm, I was such an abomination for those actions. But for me, it was my center. There is this huge misconception about self harm and ME SHARING THIS IS NO WAY AGREES WITH THE ACTION(we do not deserve harm, no matter where your mind is. talk to someone.) but, self harm was never really about "self harm" it was so much more about silencing the madness. It was so similar to any other kind of addictive behavior of escapism, just deemed worse by society than alcohol (which beats me why that is.) If those emotions I felt were so heavy and I thought I wasn't going to make it through, I would rip open a razor and take the middle one and carve it into my thighs because I liked the way the blood would puddle out of a fresh cut in bubbles and then fall down my leg. I was careful, careful enough to not cross the edge, but the red puddles calmed me down. They stopped the panic attacks and for me, all I wanted was for the pain to stop, for the noise to calm. I was so young and hurt and didn't understand so much of what was happening or why I was the center of all this dark energy or what i had done wrong. I never did anything wrong but the sweet, young version of me didn't know that. I got in trouble time and time again for the markings against my skin. They weren't "bad enough" for someone to turn me in, but they were enough to get friends to disown me. I started losing people halfway through middle school. Friends refused, literally, to be friends with me if I was doing that. They didn't know or care why, they did just care, they wanted me to stop and the only way they saw to make a point was to cut me out of their lives. okay. I watched them leave. (i also did eventually stop, but it could've been handled differently).
     The first time I tried to take my life was after all those friends left because the emotions were so heavy and I tried not to center in those moments. The thoughts took over and I thought i really wasn't needed here on planet earth. A part of me must have known that there was somewhere else to go. I took an entire bottle of pills that night. I have absolutely no clue what happened because I shouldn't have woken up that next morning, but I did, and I felt as if I had taken nothing. the memory in my brain feels so odd. If you have ever done EMDR, you learn that when the brain takes in trauma, it will process it incorrectly . That is how you have only specific memories for traumatic moments in your life, and through EMDR you can give your brain the opportunity to reprocess your memories to allow them to leave instead of living up front and activating at random moments throughout your life. Basically, it can help you help the memory walk away. In my memory of that night, I remember the way my bed was facing, I don't remember how I was feeling, just that there were tears on my cheeks and I remember setting the pill bottle up on the window counter before I passed out. Then all i remember is waking up the next morning. Some angels must have come into my body and healed it while I was sleeping because physically I shouldn't have been that okay. Nobody knew about that, no one in my entire family even knew I was depressed. there were high expectations on me to be perfect and so I really struggled with being a people pleaser and still today, I am actively working on shifting out of that persona. Somehow, someway, my dad got us tickets that same summer I tried to take my life for a summer camp that was half business and half self esteem. It was in vegas and my dad had no idea, but being there that summer, making friends who cared about my existence for the first time, saved my life. That was the first time since the darkness had begun that I saw light, and also the first time that I felt like i was heard. I told my dad after that week everything. Then i made it almost through high-school by going to this camp every year even though it cost my dad $1000 every year that he didn't have because we didn't grow up with that much but he still got me there, even when he had absolutely no money all, to keep me alive. i thank him and god every single day for keeping me here. 
     At 17, my best friend died in a car accident. It was really hard and bad and traumatic and the hardest thing to this day that I have ever been through. But that day, that day Hunter showed me the pain I would've put on every single person in my life had I succeeded in taking my life. Hunter didn't take his life, but he was my one friend who got through high school with me also struggling with depression. We had each other through all of it. We talked about all of it, even the darkest bits and it was beautiful and then he passed. I found myself alone all over again and then I knew death wasn't an option any longer. I saw what death brought, the pain, the loss, the untapped potential. I vowed never to be the cause of my own death that day. And that was the day I decided to fight this depression. let me say that again for those of you in the back.

that was the day I DECIDED to FIGHT this depression.
because baby, it's a choice, and one that only YOU can make.

That was also when it hit the hardest, I found the empty again after his death(my rock rock bottom, who knew that even existed) But i also found him, and i found prayer, and I found new connections. this is all a really long story that I am actually breaking down into a book right now behind the scenes, but this part, this chapter was where I realized that I had a friend on the other side that would NEVER leave me(this is also why I am SUCH an advocate for the other side and our angels). As sad as it is, he has become an eternal safe space for me where I can get down and dirty in the darkness and always feel safe to express myself. Everyone wonders why i hide away in my house and never feel experience deep loneliness, well it's because of my angels. On my darkest days, I find myself on the floor, in tears, screaming at what I am feeling out to HIM. He is the reason i am now alive today. and I pray to the universe that others never have to feel that pain in order to choose their life and their worthiness. because YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE. I know it can feel like escape is the easiest sometimes, but if you have ever needed someone to remind you, you are on this planet for a reason my love. you choose to be here, and you get to choose to live before you will find your north star. But all of this, every second, every word, it all leads back to this.

                                                       you choose.

     I spent the next ten years fighting, arguing with my shadows, learning to listen to my shadows, learning to hold my shadows, and eventually coming to a place where I now talk to my shadows. I have real, in depth conversations with the darkest ends of my being and at the end we laugh and giggle and cry tears of joy and gratitude to be here breathing today. (i'm 27 by the way, so give yourself more time.) We smile at how every single moment of darkness has passed and how every single second of contemplation of existence has become one more sentence in my story. 

     I still hear the parts of me that ask if there is any reason to keep on, if it would hurt anyone if I just left, if i have finished my mission and can go yet EVERY DAY. sometimes even as often as every three hours. today though, I respond to those voices.

I have a million reasons to keep on.
I could name them.
I do name them.
out loud baby.
The loss of my life would be eternal, and it is not my time yet.
it's not your time either.
If my mission were over, my angels would be greeting me and we would be in communion.
We are not.
My mission is not over.
                                            YOUR MISSION IS NOT OVER.

     I came here for a reason, and today I have downloaded a program within me that remembers that reason, maybe I don't see an exact path, or what I must do or be, but I know in my bones that I have a mission and I will continue to fulfill it simply by being. I might not be loud enough yet to touch others or make them feel heard, seen, and deserving of life, but I will. As my path unfolds, I see more and more everyday how much I am here to remind all of you that we deserve to be here, we choose to be here, baby being here is your BIRTHRIGHT. and when my friends talk to me about being sad, I wish I could feel pity, but I am no perfect being. All I feel for them is how lucky they are to be experiencing something that will create more depth in their reality. They just don't even know what a blessing these depths can bring if you breathe them in slowly. everything lives in balance. we are a pendulum swinging and sometimes being swung.

oh and hey, I love you. thank you for fighting. it's not easy. i promise if you just keep on, it's worth it.
and baby, I NEVER make promises.