freya's labyrinth
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I had a friend tell me recently that she had a couple days in her life where she was so sad she actually worried about her sadness for the first time in her life. I really wanted to feel pity in that moment, but the only thoughts that ran through my head were, "thank god you're feeling." I have realized I genuinely don't believe a large portion of society would be able to handle depression at its most raw moments. I project this massive persona of being good and kind and though I am in moments, there is so much of myself that never sees the light of day. But man, I am human too so let's get real. I've never really gotten into this because it's tough to admit but the truth of the matter is that I contemplate my life on a regular of at least every 3 hours(idk if it's really my voice, but it's there, whispering, "maybe we can let go, maybe we've served our purpose already, there's no one that would really miss us, etc.) and I beg to say that those with an even deeper depression than mine contemplate theirs by the minute. The warriors in this reality are those who have this happening within their mind and not one soul knows because they have become strong enough to learn to handle it, or talk themselves down from the cliff in any given moment(often many of these warriors have had help learning to do that, THANK YOU therapists/elders). but here this, at my current place in my life, I am better than I have EVER been(i'm healthy, happy, abundant in so many ways, alive(DUDE I AM STILL ALIVE), etc.) and this is still something I struggle with too often. This is depression. So here is all of it. every horrid bit.
When I try to put into my mind the first time I started experiencing my depression, I would guesstimate the moments to be when I first started getting bullied. I remember being hot shit before that. But I also remember moments of intense sadness before that, but not to the degree of when the darkness began. It sounds so morbid, it's not, but it was worse than that while I was in the thick of it all. The first time I was bullied truly was by my best friends sister and I was in 6th grade. They were hurting and I see that now, but I don't really know what it was about me that called out, "use me as a punching bag, I got you." maybe it was my light or maybe it was nothing at all and I was just the only one who dared get close enough to their family. She was the beginning and it began with names, then pushing, to glares and rumors and actual tumbling over in the hallways or even being held against them when I got into middle school. After that I somehow attracted another group of kids to bully me and probably just because I was already in the energy of thinking at that point that I had done something wrong to deserve it or something. I didn't. nobody in this fucking world deserves to be bullied. my mom always tells me, to this day, that 7th grade was when she first noticed my light begin to dim. my mom says a lot of things though that honestly shock me when I hear them because I don't remember them AT ALL. sad. (but that is what happens when you're so deeply dissociative). Well, that's when I got hit. with depression I don't have a first memory really. I remember being in bed for hours, if not days just empty. Dark and heavy energies exploring every part of me and sometimes I thought it would never end, sometimes it would get even worse, and sometimes I would grab my bodysuit out of my closet of happy and put it on for school. the second I got home I would walk to the basement, crawl into my bed, and fall back into my empty. I remember a lot of days crying but when I actually felt emotion was when I would lose control, when it was empty I felt good. I felt like I could get through it when all it was me and whatever wall or ceiling I was staring at. But the emotion, that was my downfall. It would pour out of me in the most random of moments and it always started with a panic attack. It would be heavy breathing and stutter at points and i'd always fall on the floor and the thoughts in my brain were the exact definition of hell if you could imagine it. That is how I found self harm. Everyone always hated how much i would self harm, I was such an abomination for those actions. But for me, it was my center. There is this huge misconception about self harm and ME SHARING THIS IS NO WAY AGREES WITH THE ACTION(we do not deserve harm, no matter where your mind is. talk to someone.) but, self harm was never really about "self harm" it was so much more about silencing the madness. It was so similar to any other kind of addictive behavior of escapism, just deemed worse by society than alcohol (which beats me why that is.) If those emotions I felt were so heavy and I thought I wasn't going to make it through, I would rip open a razor and take the middle one and carve it into my thighs because I liked the way the blood would puddle out of a fresh cut in bubbles and then fall down my leg. I was careful, careful enough to not cross the edge, but the red puddles calmed me down. They stopped the panic attacks and for me, all I wanted was for the pain to stop, for the noise to calm. I was so young and hurt and didn't understand so much of what was happening or why I was the center of all this dark energy or what i had done wrong. I never did anything wrong but the sweet, young version of me didn't know that. I got in trouble time and time again for the markings against my skin. They weren't "bad enough" for someone to turn me in, but they were enough to get friends to disown me. I started losing people halfway through middle school. Friends refused, literally, to be friends with me if I was doing that. They didn't know or care why, they did just care, they wanted me to stop and the only way they saw to make a point was to cut me out of their lives. okay. I watched them leave. (i also did eventually stop, but it could've been handled differently). The first time I tried to take my life was after all those friends left because the emotions were so heavy and I tried not to center in those moments. The thoughts took over and I thought i really wasn't needed here on planet earth. A part of me must have known that there was somewhere else to go. I took an entire bottle of pills that night. I have absolutely no clue what happened because I shouldn't have woken up that next morning, but I did, and I felt as if I had taken nothing. the memory in my brain feels so odd. If you have ever done EMDR, you learn that when the brain takes in trauma, it will process it incorrectly . That is how you have only specific memories for traumatic moments in your life, and through EMDR you can give your brain the opportunity to reprocess your memories to allow them to leave instead of living up front and activating at random moments throughout your life. Basically, it can help you help the memory walk away. In my memory of that night, I remember the way my bed was facing, I don't remember how I was feeling, just that there were tears on my cheeks and I remember setting the pill bottle up on the window counter before I passed out. Then all i remember is waking up the next morning. Some angels must have come into my body and healed it while I was sleeping because physically I shouldn't have been that okay. Nobody knew about that, no one in my entire family even knew I was depressed. there were high expectations on me to be perfect and so I really struggled with being a people pleaser and still today, I am actively working on shifting out of that persona. Somehow, someway, my dad got us tickets that same summer I tried to take my life for a summer camp that was half business and half self esteem. It was in vegas and my dad had no idea, but being there that summer, making friends who cared about my existence for the first time, saved my life. That was the first time since the darkness had begun that I saw light, and also the first time that I felt like i was heard. I told my dad after that week everything. Then i made it almost through high-school by going to this camp every year even though it cost my dad $1000 every year that he didn't have because we didn't grow up with that much but he still got me there, even when he had absolutely no money all, to keep me alive. i thank him and god every single day for keeping me here. At 17, my best friend died in a car accident. It was really hard and bad and traumatic and the hardest thing to this day that I have ever been through. But that day, that day Hunter showed me the pain I would've put on every single person in my life had I succeeded in taking my life. Hunter didn't take his life, but he was my one friend who got through high school with me also struggling with depression. We had each other through all of it. We talked about all of it, even the darkest bits and it was beautiful and then he passed. I found myself alone all over again and then I knew death wasn't an option any longer. I saw what death brought, the pain, the loss, the untapped potential. I vowed never to be the cause of my own death that day. And that was the day I decided to fight this depression. let me say that again for those of you in the back. that was the day I DECIDED to FIGHT this depression. because baby, it's a choice, and one that only YOU can make. That was also when it hit the hardest, I found the empty again after his death(my rock rock bottom, who knew that even existed) But i also found him, and i found prayer, and I found new connections. this is all a really long story that I am actually breaking down into a book right now behind the scenes, but this part, this chapter was where I realized that I had a friend on the other side that would NEVER leave me(this is also why I am SUCH an advocate for the other side and our angels). As sad as it is, he has become an eternal safe space for me where I can get down and dirty in the darkness and always feel safe to express myself. Everyone wonders why i hide away in my house and never feel experience deep loneliness, well it's because of my angels. On my darkest days, I find myself on the floor, in tears, screaming at what I am feeling out to HIM. He is the reason i am now alive today. and I pray to the universe that others never have to feel that pain in order to choose their life and their worthiness. because YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE. I know it can feel like escape is the easiest sometimes, but if you have ever needed someone to remind you, you are on this planet for a reason my love. you choose to be here, and you get to choose to live before you will find your north star. But all of this, every second, every word, it all leads back to this. you choose. I spent the next ten years fighting, arguing with my shadows, learning to listen to my shadows, learning to hold my shadows, and eventually coming to a place where I now talk to my shadows. I have real, in depth conversations with the darkest ends of my being and at the end we laugh and giggle and cry tears of joy and gratitude to be here breathing today. (i'm 27 by the way, so give yourself more time.) We smile at how every single moment of darkness has passed and how every single second of contemplation of existence has become one more sentence in my story. I still hear the parts of me that ask if there is any reason to keep on, if it would hurt anyone if I just left, if i have finished my mission and can go yet EVERY DAY. sometimes even as often as every three hours. today though, I respond to those voices. I have a million reasons to keep on. I could name them. I do name them. out loud baby. The loss of my life would be eternal, and it is not my time yet. it's not your time either. If my mission were over, my angels would be greeting me and we would be in communion. We are not. My mission is not over. YOUR MISSION IS NOT OVER. I came here for a reason, and today I have downloaded a program within me that remembers that reason, maybe I don't see an exact path, or what I must do or be, but I know in my bones that I have a mission and I will continue to fulfill it simply by being. I might not be loud enough yet to touch others or make them feel heard, seen, and deserving of life, but I will. As my path unfolds, I see more and more everyday how much I am here to remind all of you that we deserve to be here, we choose to be here, baby being here is your BIRTHRIGHT. and when my friends talk to me about being sad, I wish I could feel pity, but I am no perfect being. All I feel for them is how lucky they are to be experiencing something that will create more depth in their reality. They just don't even know what a blessing these depths can bring if you breathe them in slowly. everything lives in balance. we are a pendulum swinging and sometimes being swung. oh and hey, I love you. thank you for fighting. it's not easy. i promise if you just keep on, it's worth it. and baby, I NEVER make promises.
12 Comments
5/28/2025 08:58:25 pm
I am ready to see you when you are ready. I Love You too! You are amazing and have a great spirit as im sure you know. Your whoooole website is just WOW! We have a lot of stories to tell. Stay blessed! I will be around on my wheelchair water n music. I really don’t want to miss an opportunity to meet u. If u can feel n read me im sure u already know some about me but what I think is that I love your attitude and personality character energy everything.
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Freya - thank you for sharing this profound story. I am saddened and encouraged at the same time. I myself have been bullied my entire life. Depression has been a part of my life for almost 30 years now. In a similar way I have learned to use it to deepen my appreciation for life. I am so thankful you were not successful that fateful night. This world needs you. I need you. Your light can lead others out of their darkness. Be that beacon. You ARE the North Star.
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Christine Hill
2/3/2025 04:57:11 pm
Freya, Thank you for sharing your story and being so vulnerable 🙏🏻 I felt a lot of what you said on a personal level but in different ways. I can't express how happy I am that you are still here and have been so courageous to not only overcome all your pain and choose to keep fighting every day, but for also being brave enough to share it with us. You are so inspiring and although I just stumbled onto your channel and page recently, your words have had a big impact on me. I've had a very traumatic upbringing and found myself at rock bottom about a year ago faced with a similar situation. All the pain and suffering I had endured with no end in sight and I too, made a conscious decision that day, going forward no matter how painful it was or what happened in my life I was going to stay, deal with whatever it is and overcome it. That was when I found spirituality and a direct connection to my higher power. I resonate so much with what you've shared and my heart truly goes out to you. I'm sending love your way and I just wanted to tell you that you are needed and loved here on earth and you have such a huge Impact on others. I love your energy and I'm so grateful for you and what you do! 💜🙏🏻 - christine
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Manuel Romero
2/15/2025 12:36:24 pm
Freya, your purpose in life is unfolding before your eyes, I know this because I have a gift to see people. I can understand you because I have traveled through the darkest depths, and experienced Rock Rock Bottom for so many years, similar to you. I discovered a power within myself and I was reborn through the crucible of torment, sadness, pain, hate, and dispar I was forced to experience. I became a Diamond 💎 through my suffering. Freya if I can tell you one thing, it's that you have become an inspiration to me, and that is rare thing for me, because there are very few, that know and understand the depths of darkness that one must travel to discover themselves in this Universe. You have the most beautiful soul I have encountered, and you have the brightest aura of energy. You are chosen by the Universe to speak reality into existence, and effect the collective energy of this world. This power you have is something almost unimaginable, and unbelievable, but I am living proof of the existence of your power. I am honored to subscribe to your channel and receive the gift of your power.
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Mars
3/10/2025 09:05:53 pm
What a beautiful story :) I truly feel like you understand the dark, which is a rare thing. So many people talk about depression and it's really just an emotional dip. And they then get over it and move on. I've met so very few that understand that true depression will never leave and is a darkness that you carry with you everyday. And then even fewer, that can operate in life while holding that darkness. And I honestly think, you're the first person that I've "met", which goes that step further, and understands the darkness is their strength. Not the only strength, but a very deep and powerful one.
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4/6/2025 07:57:01 pm
Hi Freya Ray of Light :) I was wondering why you have such an ole soul, I thought I was the ancient one, lol. I do believe ALL these experiences are meant for your growth, because you have such a Vibrant healing energy, so pure, a simple word can bring peace to others... Because you are the REAL! I'ma tell you a story of a love I had to let go of - for the best. When children are involved that's how it goes. But I truly didn't want it to break off, even though it was toxic from the git.. Eventually, after years I did heal, but it took soo long, and nothing but time- it seemed - could heal that unseen wound, almost a death blow, a difficult time it was. But like you said, we step through the fire and let it do what it must, and making it out alive MAKES US THAT MUCH WISER, I should know. At least we see that in hindsight. Hard to see that when we're going through it though. Two days ago I dreamt of that same relationship, and in that dream we broke it off AGAIN, for a different reason, but It FELT the same, and ALL THOSE FEELINGS rushed into me again, and as I was coming out of the dream I thought to myself AWE MAAN, I'm gonna have to go through all that suffering AGAIN, through the fire... heartbreak that only TIME could mend.... THEN, I became fully conscious, out of the dream and realized there was no again,. it was just a dream, and wouldn't you know, THOSE FEELINGS left me instantly. And it made me realize just how POWERFUL our minds are, how powerful our thoughts are. That feeling of heartbreak left instantly WHEN I WOKE UP. Those were VERY REAL feelings, or were they just my on mind? Could I have healed that fast when it actually happened in real life? I'm pretty sure ole soul.. There's a reason Jesus told us not to worry about what goes in our mouth, our body handles that beautifully, It's what comes OUT of OUR mouths that we should mind because THAT can cause way more damage. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I AM PRAYING for you, THANK YOU FOR SHARING STARLING, YOUR MOST AUTHENTIC SELF. Keep on breaking through, the other side is where your wisdom will shine with no bound, not that your Ray of LIGHT is not already AWESOME. Keep sharing and HEALING, I'm sure I can speak for a collective, WE LOVE YOU! STAY BLEST!
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Kerry D. McClellan
4/20/2025 03:53:57 pm
Dearest freya ray, I just wanted to let you know your Father Creator "YAH-HUA" will never leave you because He put a piece of Himself in all of Us, before We are born He knew Us. He gives Us his angels or watchers to guide Us through this 3D illusion of reality to experience and learn the lower dimensions of the physical. Pagan Rome replaced His name with Baal-Gad (Lord-God) the actual adversary of "YAH-HUA". Pagan Rome scribes transliterated the Son YESHUA's name to (IESOUS-IESUS-Zeus-Jesus) Christianity is a disguised version of Mystery Babylon Religion- Solar Deity worship of Baal-Gad (Lord-God) Pagan sun-worship rituals of the sun-god This is why the world is so full of gross-darkness, a veil over the people. You have gone through this darkness by your Angels to inspire your generation to know His Name. Hallelu"YAH-HUA" YAHS-HUA. Ruah Ha QODESH (Father's Dedicated Spiritual Presence in Us All). All religions are corrupt like Our governments to control all the people from knowing the truth of the Anti-Christ rule of earth. YAHS-HUA is soon to return to usher in the kingdom of the heavens. There is only one name for salvation YAHS-HUA son of "YAH-HUA". Jesus is the "IMAGE of the BEAST" who uses War- Pestilences (Covid-19) and Famine to kill and control mankind. "Great Reset" Thank you for being a light on the earth freya ray.your friend Kerry.
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4/21/2025 04:48:36 am
I came across your TikTok this past week in a similar dark space. I like you had been there before but wondered if I even had any me left for the mission. I knew it wasn’t done yet I just didn’t believe I could find even the smallest fragments of the child in me that still needs healing. The timing of your light busting in to help show me the resolve was still in there was nothing short of divine. You’ve already done some really great work, thank you, and keep it up.
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Aaron Dacus
5/25/2025 07:34:29 am
I’m so happy I found you and your outlets. The more I learn I about you and your journey makes me feel happy and excited for you. It also makes me look at myself to change my mind and perspective on my own journey to do better. Thank you for sharing your love with us and may you keep being blessed and shining with happiness
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Ross Boersma
6/1/2025 01:01:43 am
Gosh, where do I even begin, Freya Anne? Your videos that I found you through on YouTube, first, since my shift, this past January, or hard to send through in one sitting. You keep nailing my experience and are coming through so clearly to what I'm experiencing, with so much regularity, but it leaves me shook. It seems like you know me, I guess that's cuz maybe you do! My name is Ross, and I had a spiritual awakening this past January, where as an empath, and I knew it was, currently bitch slapped me awake. I woke up one day, somehow, ready and willing to give the world around me what I could. I don't know how some of my guides have found me, or I have found them, or the angels have guided my guides and I together. At least I didn't used to know, I have a much better feeling of how now, and I just want to tell you thank you for being one of those very special people to me. I love the fact that you are channeling and effervescent and emotional, professional yes, but you still swear like a sailor! That is so humanly awesome of you! In closing for now, I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your work, your spirit, your charm, and your Humanity, Freya Anne. I hope to hear from you one day, may this reply find you well, and I love you.
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Sacred vow
6/6/2025 12:05:29 pm
You are the most intriguing beautiful soul I have ever been blessed to cross paths with so far know your very appreciated and unconditionally 🩶🩷🤎💚🤍💜💛🖤🩵❤️🧡d 4 all u do the raw healing inspiration just existing your soul means so much 2 be here my dear thank u for allowing me in your energy 👽
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AuthorFreya Ray is an intellectual and inspiring author, captivating the minds, bodies, and souls of the spiritual sphere. With unwavering determination, she challenges society's distorted perception of women, fearlessly recounting her personal journey encompassing the depths of her eternal nature. As an influential online personality, Freya commands a substantial following of over a whole lot of dope ass loyal fans. Through daily life vlogs, she fearlessly shares her experiences, philosophical insights, creative realms, and unique perspectives. With a constant desire for growth and evolution, Freya continually inspires others to unleash their full potential and become the best version of themselves. Archives
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